Collaboration is vital for learning, for college success, for brain development, and for creating equitable outcomes. Beyond all of this, it is beneficial to establish interpersonal connections, especially in times of conflict and need.
Victor and Mildred Goertzel studied seven hundred people who had made huge contributions to society, choosing those who had been the subject of at least two biographies, people such as Marie Curie and Henry Ford. They found, incredibly, that less than 15 percent of the famous men and women had been raised in supportive families; 75 percent had grown up in families with severe problems such as “poverty, abuse, absent parents, alcoholism, serious illness,” and other major issues. Their study was conducted in the 1960s. Clinical psychologist Meg Jay, in her interesting Wall Street Journal article on resilience, reports that similar results would be found today and cites Oprah Winfrey, Howard Schultz, and LeBron James as examples of people who grew up in extreme hardship.
Jay has studied resilience over many years and points out that people who survive hardship often do better, but not through “bouncing back,” as some think, because the recovery process takes time and is more of a battle than a bounce. She also points out those who ultimately benefit from hardship, becoming stronger and resilient, do so when they maintain self-belief, when they “own the fighter within,” and when they connect with other people. The thing that people who overcome hardship and do not become defeated by it have in common is that in times of need they all reached out to someone—a friend, a family member, or a colleague—and those connections helped them survive and develop strength.
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Shane was beginning high school when he hit an all-time low. He had just started at a typical large US high school with high expectations for his experience there, but within weeks he said it was the “loneliest experience he had ever felt.” Shane, in a powerful video that has had tens of thousands of views, describes feeling like an outsider, someone who didn’t belong. It was this deep-seated feeling of emptiness that led Shane to an appointment with his guidance counselor. Shane agreed to this because he thought it might result in his transferring to another school.
Instead, he walked out of the meeting with the recommendation to join five different clubs at the school. Shane was skeptical at first, but he joined the clubs and started to notice some things shifting. He had people to say hello to in the corridors, and the more he got involved in school life, the more he felt he was part of the school community.
Shane discovered that the more he did, the better he felt about himself; the more involved he got, the more “connected, driven, and motivated” he felt. He now reflects that he felt like an outsider because he was one; the only thing that changed was that he put himself on the inside—and that shifted everything. This was such a powerful change that Shane became inspired to share his experience with others and to start what is now a global movement—to help young people to become more personally connected with others.
Shane initially had an idea to hold an assembly at his school to help other students know what can happen when they connect with others and then match them with clubs of interest to them. They expected about fifty students, but word spread and four hundred students from seven different schools attended the assembly. The following year that number grew to a thousand, and the numbers have continued to grow every year. Shane started the movement “Count Me In,” which has now impacted more than ten million people, with speaking programs that have reached students in over one hundred countries. When I interviewed Shane for this book, he highlighted the challenges today’s young people face in forming meaningful connections:
Teenagers today have it harder than any other generation by far, in my educated opinion. Not only are they dealing with all the same issues we’ve seen for generations, but also things like peer pressure, bullying, social isolation that can really be harmful on your upbringing and the trajectory of your life. These are now 24/7 issues for every kid because of technology and smartphones and how much they are plugged in online, yet unplugged in reality and in community. Those community connections, I think, are the key in forging something—so we can see the world just differently enough that we begin to feel a greater sense of self-acceptance and belonging.
He makes a crucial point, and his movement to create greater connections among young people serves a much-needed purpose, as he stated in our interview:
The more you get involved, the more you immerse yourself in the community, the more connected you feel, and the more different you see things, the stronger that lens becomes, and the softer things become. The real defining moment for me that I can pinpoint is when I started living from this place of: My life is bigger than this moment, and it doesn’t matter what’s going on, how dark or desperate I feel inside. I know for a fact, with absolute conviction and certainty, that my life is bigger than this moment, than any one moment.
Shane’s movement has been particularly helpful for young people who feel isolated, who are going through difficult times at home, or who are facing any of the myriad issues that impact young people. He reflected that the main response that differentiates those who change positively from those who don’t is their perspective, or their mindset. Shane’s movement is also a helpful reminder that even—or perhaps particularly—in a world of online connectivity, genuine human connections are something that everybody needs and that changes people’s lives. Shane found that they helped young people know that their lives are bigger than the moments they are in now and that no matter how hard a situation may be, connections with people bring you out of it.
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Everybody has a different way of approaching things and you can always learn and grow.” She told me that these ideas had caused students to be less egocentric. In their interactions now, instead of insisting on their way of thinking or working and closing down because others have a different idea, students think: “Oh, you know what? This is how I’m thinking about it, but I know others think about it another way.” This acceptance of different ways of thinking has led to greater tolerance and appreciation of each other. As Holly reflected:
They know that other people have good ideas too and they also know that they should open their mind to hearing other people’s solutions, because that might be a new idea for them that they hadn’t yet thought of. And so that mindset of, “Hey, maybe your idea is something that I could add to my idea” is a huge one for kids.
Many reformers in education who work to change student experiences in classrooms work on content, finding new ways to approach topics, often with cool technology. But imagine what students’ learning and lives outside school would be like if they learned to collaborate with others more productively, going into conversations with an openness to hear and understand what others have to say. This would change classroom dynamics as well as many other aspects of students’ lives.
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Prior to learning about the value of struggle and brain growth, Jenny “felt like an island.” She described to me a mindset that I am sure many share—of feeling that she had to be an expert when interacting with others, of being fearful of revealing a lack of knowledge. And as a teacher in a classroom, she felt she had to be the one who knew everything. But Jenny’s perspective has changed, and she now embraces uncertainty and opens up more to her community of colleagues. Part of this change has involved letting go of the idea that she is being judged. Jenny described her new perspective:
Being willing to feel uncomfortable with not knowing something and still know that I don’t have to give up on something just because I don’t understand it right away. And I have other resources that I can utilize to increase my learning as an educator, as a person. So for me, it’s just . . . I always felt like I was an island and I had to show up knowing. . . . I think for me, it’s changed the way I navigate life in terms of I listen better, I think. I feel like I grow and learn by collaborating, so I think I’ve opened up a different way of connecting to my community of colleagues so that I can learn better, and sharing is really learning. That whole idea of letting go of judgment and knowing your worth changed me as a person.
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This new approach—of embracing uncertainty instead of pretending to know everything, of looking for resources to learn more—seems to enhance people’s connections with each other as well as people’s way of being in the world.
Approaching content with uncertainty and vulnerability is a trait I also recommend to teachers I work with. When students see their teacher present correct content all the time, always knowing the answer to any student question, always being right, never making mistakes, and never struggling, it creates a false image of what it means to be a good learner, in any subject. Teachers should embrace uncertainty and be open about not knowing something or making a mistake.
If you are a teacher, share these times with students so that they know such times are an important part of having expertise. When I teach my undergraduates at Stanford, I give them open mathematics problems to explore. They take them in all sorts of directions, some of which are new to me. I embrace these moments and admit that I do not know, saying, “How interesting. I have not seen that before. Let’s explore it together.”
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Mathematics is often depicted as the most solitary of subjects, but it is a discipline, like all others, that has been built through connections between ideas. New ideas and directions come from people reasoning with each other, setting out ideas, and considering the ways they are connected to each other. Parents, particularly of high-achieving students, often say to me, “My child can work out the answers correctly. Why should she have to explain them?” But such parents are missing an important point—mathematics is all about communication and reasoning.
Conrad Wolfram, well known for his work with Wolfram Alpha, the online computational knowledge site, and director of Wolfram Research, told me that people who are unable to communicate their mathematical thinking and ideas are of no use to him as employees, because they cannot take part in team problem solving. In team problem solving, when people communicate their thinking, others can connect with their ideas. Critical evaluation by many minds also guards against incorrect or irrelevant ideas. When people cannot communicate an idea or come up with the reasoning that led them to it, they are not particularly useful in a team of problem solvers. I am sure this principle is true of all areas—people who can explain and communicate their ideas to others, whether in math, science, art, history, or any other area, are more effective problem solvers and are able to make a larger contribution to the work in companies and other groups.
The six keys that have been presented play an important role in changing people’s communication and, consequently, create a multitude of life opportunities. Many people are too locked up to be good communicators. They are fearful of saying something wrong, and they worry that what they say is an indication of their worth, that they are being judged by others. When people learn about mindset, brain growth, multidimensionality, and struggle, it often unlocks them, gives them a limitless perspective, and enables them to let go of the fear of being judged. Instead, they embrace openness and uncertainty and become more willing to share ideas, which, in collaboration with others, grow into solution pathways. Such collaborations enhance people’s lives, and the very best collaborations, it seems, start with a limitless approach to people and to ideas.